


no grave can hold my body down

by ashmes



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Character Study, Gen, Introspection, M/M, Mentions of Death/Disease, Post-Season/Series 06, SDCC spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 21:38:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15446418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashmes/pseuds/ashmes
Summary: Fact of the matter is, Adamwasright. About the mission, his recklessness, how quick he was to jump headfirst without a second thought. The ironic part is for once in his life, Adam wouldn’t have been proud to be.





	no grave can hold my body down

**Author's Note:**

> AS SOON AS I HEARD SHIRO WAS A CANON GAY MAN I SCREAMED!!!! My bisexual hart was so filled with joy and happiness and I knew I had to write a fic for him and Adam with my own personal headcanons and missing scenes of their relationship because I'm just.... gay and happy. 
> 
> Writing this fic was so fun for me because I am also a Shiro stan, and it's like I unpeeled a whole layer behind him that is extremely heartbreaking and relatable. He's been one of my favorite characters since S1 so I hope I did him and Adashi justice <3
> 
> -The title of the fic and quote at the beginning is from Hozier called [Work Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nH7bjV0Q_44) which I have deemed as an Adashi song. Give it a listen, you'll see why ;~)  
> \- Thank you to everyone who encouraged me! I was in a writing rut (and still kinda am) so I'm thankful because I wouldn't have posted this without you guys!  
> \- I've only edited this once so I'm sorry for grammar/spelling errors!!  
> \- Minor warnings for implied suicide ideation throughout the fic

_when my time comes around, lay me gently in the cold dark earth_  
_no grave can hold my body down,_ _i'll crawl home to him._

 

-

 

 

 

 

It’s strange having a body again.

Shiro’s transfixed on the curl and uncurl of his fingers, still getting used to the feeling of his body’s movement how the tendons tense and move underneath the skin. Going from watching his body move as an outsider, thinking _go left_ as his body turns right, to owning the control of again is still a transition he’s getting used to. Even breathing is foreign. He can’t remember the last time he needed to.

If he closes his eyes, he can feel the ghost of his left arm twitch. A sensation familiar even before his consciousness was transplanted—a good sign, at least. The slow return of his post-Kerberos normal. He’ll take it, considering for the past few days his body has felt weighed down, no longer floating and airy in the void, suddenly forced in readjusting to gravity.

Back on earth, the headlines would be bright as day: _Takashi Shirogane, Legendary Pilot of the Kerberos Mission, Back from the Dead!_

Sure, he’d be soon as strapped down for research purposes before he got the chance to open his eyes, but he’d be a medical miracle. An urban legend of staring down death and _winning_.

Never mind the fact his head feels _strange_. The feeling’s nothing compared to the throbbing pain in his head that left him tossing within the sheets, but it’s as if his skull is filled to the brim, overfilling with memories and thoughts that are his but aren’t his. Not completely.

It’s a split down the middle. Like there’s two separate people sharing the same space, except they’re both Shiro. Maybe one Shiro had been a clone once upon a time, and maybe he’s the clone now—thinking about the mechanics of this all does start a sharp pain right in the center of his cranium—but they both have lived. Shiro had been in the astral plane for months, years, but there’s a piece of him who had lived on, made new memories, new connections. All of it floats around his head, but it’s as if he’s watching from a screen, these memories through the eyes of someone else as Shiro sits back and watches.

The first time he mentioned it out loud, everybody had fallen silent. He decided not to talk about it again.

Nobody has really come too close to him, besides Keith, Lance, and Coran checking on his well-being, how he’s feeling, and his vitals, while the others occasionally drop by to welcome him back and make sure he knows how much he’s missed them. If only they realized he knew before any of them had to even utter the words.

He doesn’t blame them. This is a lot to bare for anyone to see for someone they cared about, and he’s sure the sudden appearance change doesn’t help much. It reminds him of when he got his diagnosis. How one second he was Takashi Shirogane, skilled pilot, graduated at the top of his class, beating every record with a sly smile and a flick of his wrist, and the next he was Shiro, weak, an illness before a man, soon to die.

Anyone who looked at him saw what no doctor was able to say out loud: Shiro was a walking corpse. Nobody knows how to talk to the dead, only _about_ them once they’re in the ground.

Well, _almost_ everyone.

“I don’t care how much time you have left, Takashi,” Adam had said, gripping Shiro’s shaking hands like a prayer. His eyes were of fire and righteousness, burning into him. “I’m not leaving your side. Do you hear me?”

“This is your out, Adam.” His throat had been raw. His cheeks wet. The garbled, pathetic words had sound foreign even to him. “You don’t have to stay with me out of pity or because you feel like you have to. I’d _understand_. You deserve—“

“ _Fuck_ what you think I deserve.” Calloused hands were holding his cheeks, wiping away tears with a vigor. This was the only time he remembered Adam ever have trembling anger. He could burn the world with it. “I want to be with you, and I’m _choosing_ to stay with you, for as long as we have left. Don’t try and convince either of us that we don’t deserve at least that much.”

 _We deserve more than that_ , Shiro had thought, _We deserve eternity_.

“Give us a chance to go through this together,” Adam said, kissing the corner of his eye before the tear had a chance to fall. “Pushing me away isn’t really your style, Takashi. Not after all this time.”

“You’re crazy if you ever thought I’ve tried to ever push you away.”

“Then _let_ me be here for you now.”

“I’ll let you,” Shiro whispered against his cheek, gripping the front of his button down with a fervor burning through him. “Neither of us are going anywhere. I promise.”

If Adam were here now, he’d know the words to say to make him feel no longer other. He always had this way of knowing how to be intense when the situation calls for it, and in the next second reminding Shiro how to breathe and laugh. All those times Shiro had called him either on the verge of breaking down or sharing a midnight thought, Adam had been there, always with the right reaction. A skill so simply Adam. 

Thinking of Adam now only makes Shiro wish he was here with him all that much more. Even if Shiro had to look at his unintentional _I-told-you-so face_ he gets when Shiro ever gets himself into trouble. Not like Shiro would disagree with him—not this time.

Fact of the matter is, Adam _was_ right. About the mission, his recklessness, how quick he was to jump headfirst without a second thought. The ironic part is for once in his life, Adam wouldn’t have been proud to be.

Ever since he’d known him, back when they were shaking in their boots on their first day at the Garrison, from fear or excitement or a healthy combination of both, Adam had prided himself on being the one with all the right answers.

“Roommates, huh?” Adam had turned to him after the announcement, holding the paper listing who’s rooming with who in a tight grip, chocolate brown eyes bright with a toothy grin. He was a sepia photograph, inviting and pleasing to the eye. “You’re Takashi, aren’t you?”

“Since I last checked,” Shiro replied. He had glanced over towards his nametag despite the fact he’d known it before he even spoke. If he’d have kept staring, Shiro was afraid he would’ve drowned. “Adam. You’re Adam. Hi.”

Adam smirked. “ _Your_ Adam, technically.”

“You can call me Shiro.” He had all but blurted it out, his mouth gone dry. Face hot. At the time he wouldn’t know why, but looking back, it’d been obvious. “Takashi’s a mouthful. At least that’s what I’ve heard.”

“I like Takashi,” Adam had said, nudging Shiro reassuringly in the ribs. He smiled and his eyes had glinted with mischief, as if he’d discovered a secret meant for only the both of them. “Hey, wanna bet something? I’m warning you though, I’m usually right with these things.”

“Go for it.”

“I bet you we’re going to be best friends,” Adam had whispered into his ear, close enough for Shiro to hear the smile in his words. “If I’m wrong, you can keep my Captain America comics I snuck in.”

And as it turned out, Adam got to keep the Captain America comics. The twist was they’d both read it long after curfew had ended, sharing a flashlight with the pages sprawled out on their laps. Maybe Adam won the bet, but Shiro won something more important. 

It all felt like a lifetime ago, but that’s how space can warp the sense of time. How only a short time ago he had everything he could ever want cradled in the palm of his hand.

And how he lost it that fast.

Before he had shut his eyes for the last time, he understood it. The final gift you have before you leave, the flash of everything and everyone you love played just for you: The Garrison. Teaching Keith to ride the hover-bike. First time feeling the G-Force from the fighter jet. His parents’ screeches from the joy at his acceptance letter. Laughing with his fellow paladins. Becoming one with the Black Lion. Kissing Adam good morning with a lazy smile.

 _I don’t want to die_ , he had thought desperately, _I want to live. God, please, let me live_.

And when he opened his eyes, there was no blank emptiness staring back at him, no ›golden gates ready to welcome him. Instead there’d been a sea of purple surrounding him. He felt something akin to peace, or maybe it was the wave of relief to know he wasn’t dead. Not completely. Impossible to say for sure.

He’d never been a religious man, but the astral plane was its own kind of saving grace. Maybe it was half of a chance, but at least it’s something. Shiro’s been known to survive with less.

What was left for him to do was play the waiting game. Wait for someone to notice where he’s gone, to hear him from the other side, to find and bring him home.

At first he screamed until his throat became raw with a phantom pain. Then he walked miles, never stopping to rest because he never needed to, until he realized no matter how much he walked the purple horizon remained unchanged. He sat and listed off astrological charts he’d memorized for his dissertation, listed back constellations he had engrained into the creases of his brain from when he was young enough to sneak onto the roof of his parent’s house and list them all down. He had tried to call out to Black, and every time he thought he’d make a connection, it was snatched away the last second, just barely out of reach.

Waiting, for someone like Shiro who preferred to work in the now, fix the problems _now_ , had been a minefield to navigate through. Having to wait in the astral field with nothing but his own mind, no body, nothing but his own consciousness trying to make sense of a place he shouldn’t even exist in, was its own personal hell.

Unfortunately with all this free time meant he had no way to stop the thoughts from rushing in.

All this endless time had its drawbacks, as time usually does.

Everything from all the fights he ever had and regrets piled onto him like weights as he sunk further and further down. How he should’ve fought harder to stay behind with his team, and instead he’s in this afterlife. The guilt of leaving them behind without a leader, unintentionally abandoning Keith a second time with the hope he could have somehow been found.

Leaving the ones he loves behind never sat well with him.

The famous memory he relived like a stuck record, replaying the same song over and over until he could act out the parts on cue was the last time he’d seen Adam. Not the final fight where he had hoped he still had a hairline of a chance for Adam to change his mind, but the day he left for Kerberos.

It had been after he told Keith goodbye with a tight hug and teary smiles and promises of what they’d do when they’d come back. When Sam had told him there was one final visitor for him, his heart had been in its throat with the smallest inkling of hope on who he wished to be behind that door.

When Adam stepped through, Shiro caught himself smiling until he _really_ looked at him. How sluggish his step was, the darkness under his eyes he immediately moved to wipe away. No more warmth radiating anymore, now he was cold.

The first sign of the end.

“I didn’t think you’d come to see me off,” Shiro whispered, making a move to step forward and taking Adam into his arms. He thought better of it, awkwardly forcing his feet to the ground.

If Adam noticed, he doesn’t say. Purpose ran through every tense muscle in his body, and all Shiro could do was hang on and wait. 

“To be honest, I was debating not to.” Adam pushed up his glasses with the pad of his thumb despite the fact they were all the way up, a nervous fidget he developed almost as soon as he received his first pair of prescription glasses. At least he’s not alone. “But even if I don’t agree with you about Kerberos, I couldn’t _not_ see you before you left. Did… Did you not want me here?”

“No, I’d never want that,” Shiro responds with a quick shake of his head. No hesitation. “I’m really happy you’re here actually. It’s practically our tradition now.” He offers a crooked smile to tie off an attempt of lightening the situation. 

Neither of them took the bait, not like Shiro had expected Adam too. The silence that follows after hangs over them, loud in its presence.

It only takes the two of them to meet each other’s eyes to move. Shiro’s mind had gone blank, not knowing whether to give Adam a hug or a kiss, and realized as he was holding Adam in his arms he could give him both and that Adam wanted both. They had been in sync, their mouths pressing together in desperation and want, his stomach fluttering as soon as one of Adam’s hand found their way into his hair and curled tightly into him.

Shiro had never had a kiss like this where the two of them only pull the other closer. It’s a _don’t leave me_ and _goodbye_ all at once. His lungs burn but he doesn’t care—nothing matters besides the fact Adam making sure they’re chest to chest, grip tight and digging in. The moment either of them broke apart, they knew reality would come crashing back down on them.

Eventually, Adam did pull away to breathe. The two of them panting against each other’s mouths, Shiro didn’t even notice his cheeks were wet until Adam’s thumb was wiping it dry.

“I love you,” Shiro whispered against his lips, can hear the wet sound of his voice. He can’t bring himself to pull away. “You know I love you, Adam.”

“I don’t doubt that you love me, and you know I love you, Takashi,” Adam had said, bowing his head down in sadness or shame. A whine chokes in the back of his throat, the telltale sign when Adam’s trying not to sob. “You just love me in a way I don’t understand anymore.”

They hugged like it was the last time, the two of them leaving echoes their skin that say _change your mind_ and _I’m sorry_ behind. When they pulled apart, Shiro’s hair mussed and Adam’s eyes sunken and red, he had brushed his hand against Shiro’s before turning and not looking back.

The world stopped the moment the cool metal reached his palm. Shiro didn’t need to look down to know what it was. He knows what a metal band feels across his skin, considering he had picked this one out himself.

Every time he falls into this memory, and every time he can feel the familiar sense of guilt crawling to him.

“Hey,” Keith nudges him in the shoulder, gentle in order to keep from startling him. He’s mastered the soft voice since they’ve all been out here, sometimes even Shiro has a hard time recognizing Keith’s voice. “You doing okay? Kinda looked like you were fading out for a sec.” 

Thank god for Keith’s timing.

“I’m fine.” Reassuring Keith at this point is more of a habit for Shiro, barely considering it as a lie. No matter how many times Keith tries to be there for Shiro, there’s always going to be a part of him who simply can’t unload on someone who’s depended on him to be the sane, stable one. Even if it does feel like he’s coming undone. “Just thinking.”

As always though, Keith never takes anything at face value. It’s one of the qualities Shiro has always admired him for. If someone says there’s no way, Keith would’ve been the first to find a way.

It’s no different even when Shiro tries to let him off easy with his problems.

Keith raises a brow. “Thinking about what?”

“Only really letting myself think about earth right now,” Shiro admits, rubbing the back of his neck. He can at least throw him a bone, even if it’s a scrap of the full story. “The specifics, mostly.”

Keith takes the seat next to him on the makeshift bench they all made. Shiro doesn’t remember when they made this campsite, or the fire before them, but it’s a common symptom of P.T.S.D. to run on autopilot after trauma. It’s still something he’s getting used to.

“Yeah?” Keith rubs his hands, places them out enough for his fingertips to steal the warmth of the flames. “Tell me about it.”

There’s a small curve of a smile at the corner of Keith’s mouth, and Shiro instantly returns it once he realizes it’s his words reflected back at him. Back when he first met him at the desert attempting to steal his car, wondering what a little kid was doing all alone out there. When Keith was young and kept his chin above the rest, fists up and ready to take on the world.

It hones in how much he’s missed. How much has changed and what’s stayed the same between the two of them. How proud he is of that kid from the desert who’s grown to what he is now. 

How Shiro _wants_ to be there for all the new changes in all their lives and never miss a moment again. 

“How far the lions are able to go with their low energy levels, whether or not the amount of supplies we have stored,” Shiro lists off from the top of his head, despite these are surface level worries instead of the deep seeded category he saves for when he’s alone. He hesitates at the last bit the two of them know if hanging over Shiro’s head. “Other things.”

Keith merely raises his brows and lets them communicate, not saying a word. Shiro gives a half shrug, but the unblinking, knowing stare Keith gives him wins this round. Despite the loss, this newfound wordless communication between the two of them is pretty cool to Shiro.

“Fine, I’ll tell you.” Shiro deflates, tapping his fingers along his knee. He takes a deep breath, hoping to steady his nerves. “It’s about Adam.”

“I know,” Keith replies. “You had that _Adam_ look on your face when Allura mentioned we’re heading back home.”

Of course he did. Working under a secretive government organization had given him plenty opportunity to refine his composure, never risking the possibility of revealing information from a reflexive twitch or losing his cool under pressure, but he’s never perfected weeding out the knee-jerk reaction to so much as hearing Adam’s name.

He had pretended if it came down to the fate of the world and Adam, he would’ve chosen the world.

_How much do I mean to you, Takashi?_

All the lies one tells themselves when they’re desperate and afraid.

Maybe if Shiro had given himself the time to think everything through, this story would’ve all turned out differently. Except when you’re dying and you see the pain you put on the man you love’s face and an easy out for the both of you where you get to be the villain, where you get to follow your dream and give him a new one in one easy swoop, thinking past the next day, the next few months, let alone the next year when you don’t think you even have that long doesn’t ring through a stable person’s mind.

There’s this pilot’s stereotype. Every time you go up into the air, you have to come to terms with the fact you might not come back down. Anything can happen in a galaxy unpredictable as the one they have, and you have to trust your instinct.

It’s what Shiro chose. If he lets himself fall down the rabbit hole of what-ifs, he knows he’ll never be able to recover.

“We didn’t leave on good terms,” he finally admits, his thumb circling the fabric of his pants. It’s the release of the flood gates and it’s all pouring out. “Both of us made our choices, and he said he wouldn’t be waiting for me when I made mine. Now I’m hoping he changes his mind.” Shiro chuckles dryly, shaking his head disdainly at himself. “I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted nothing to do with me.”

Keith stares at him for a few seconds, the wheels in his mind turning loud enough for Shiro to hear from where he’s sat. Then he moves to sit close enough for him to wrap an arm around his shoulders, just like Shiro used to do when Keith was in his place. “I don’t believe he’d want nothing to do with you, Shiro.”

“What do you believe then, Keith?”

“I think people say or do things they don’t mean when they’re angry, or when they’re scared that they wouldn’t normally do.” Keith darts his eyes, as if speaking from a place he’s ashamed of. “When you love someone though, they’ll always be there for you.”

There’s a moment of silence.

“Trust me when I say this, when all of us first had the news about what happened to the Kerberos Mission, I was there still.” Keith stares at him intensely, eyes watering at the memory. Whatever he went through that year still haunts him in his own way, and there’s nothing Shiro can do besides squeeze him tighter, make sure Keith knows he’s here. “Adam’s reaction was not the reaction of someone who didn’t love you anymore. Maybe he’s angry, or maybe he’s upset, I don’t know.” Keith swallows hard. “What I do know is that there’s a chance it won’t end up like you expect it to.”

Shiro turns his head to look at him, really look at him. How sure of himself Keith is now, how much he reminds Shiro of how he used to be. “You’re starting to sound really wise.”

“Well,” he shrugs, “I learned from the best.”

Keith flashes Shiro a private smile and knocks their shoulders together, making the corners of Shiro’s mouth curve upwards. The fire cackles before them, but it’s not the only reason why his entire body has been enveloped in a gentle warmth. A few minutes pass by like that, a familiar silence between two brothers, always there for each other no matter the circumstance.

“Think of it this way,” Keith breaks in, staring as the fire cackles on before them, “If you didn’t think there was a chance, you wouldn’t have survived as hard as you did.”

“I didn’t survive just for Adam, but for you too, Keith.” Shiro says, staring into his eyes with an intensity he knows Keith won’t be able to look away from, won’t be able to misconstrue. “I survived for everyone on this team.”

“Even you?”

Ask him a few years ago, there wouldn’t have been able to be an answer Shiro could truthfully give Keith. Everything he’s been through, he learned the most important thing about himself.

“I survived for me too.”

Keith smiles fully and without holding back, looking at peace, as if Shiro had finally delivered the words Keith had been waiting to hear. To be young and worry for the life of someone you care about, wondering if this is the day they do something reckless without caring for their own life is a feeling he understands too well when it came to Keith. All this time he was the one putting everyone’s lives before his own, it never occurred to Shiro people could feel this way about him.

And it hits him. Embarrassingly too late, but he finally understands why Adam had broken up with him. Not because Shiro had cared about the mission more than him, because the both of them knew that wasn’t and never would be the case, but because Shiro didn’t care for his own life as much as Adam cared for his.

When you’re watching someone you love throw their life away, there’s only two options: try to save them or walk away because you can’t. Either way, the choice is rooted somewhere in love.

If he and Adam had switched places, Shiro realizes he could have made the same choice.

Maybe Keith’s right.

There’s a reason he’s been fighting all this time. No matter how much he had thought his life didn’t matter, there had always been a flame, even if it had been only a flicker, of a need to stay alive. Stay alive one more day for Voltron. Stay alive one more day for the paladins. Stay alive one more day for his brother. Stay alive one more day for Adam.

Maybe if he makes it back home to earth, he has the chance to say everything he didn’t to Adam. To make right the wrongs he had, to apologize for putting Adam through what he did, but to stand true to his choice. 

All he wants is to live another day so he can see Adam in the flesh again, to hear his voice hit his ears once he sees Shiro for the first time.

“ _Takashi._ ”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> if you liked please leave a comment or kudos!!!! if you wanna cry about adashi with me or voltron in general my vld blog is @bisexualallura and my main is @sapphicvevo


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